Last week’s post about a day in the life of an airplane mechanic student was so popular, I’m back this week with more snippets from my favorite conversations.
There was this one:
Man-Child to me: So, I really pride myself on being offensive. If I farted directly at you, would that offend you?
Me: Eh, it would annoy me, but it wouldn’t offend me in the sense that I would need to complain to the administration. I think you’d have to try harder.
Man-Child: what about language? What if I sat here and said penis-vagina-penis-vagina all day? Would that offend you?
Me: Nah, those are the scientific words for male and female organs – nothing wrong with that.
(Man-Child lets loose with the most eye-searingly malodorous fart I have ever had the displeasure of smelling.)
Me: Oh my god! What – how – ahhhh! It’s so awful! What on earth goes on inside your digestive tract!
Man-Child: *even more self-satisfied smirk*
After the nearly solid cloud of Man-Child fart has cleared, he takes up the discussion again.
Man-Child: So, how about if I went into the women’s restroom and pleasured myself. Would that offend you?
Me: Yeah, actually, if I walked into the ladies’ room and you were in there … uh … waxing your carrot, I think I would need to take that to the administration and get you expelled.
Man-Child: You sure? You sure it wouldn’t just turn you on?
Me: Time to study!
And then there was this one:
Puppy Classmate: Man, women mechanics just don’t know what they’re doing. I was at Sears the other day and there was this girl and she was trying to fix a car and she had no idea what she was doing.
Me: Hey, Puppy Classmate. I am RIGHT HERE!
Puppy Classmate: Aw, Jen, you know I don’t mean you. I just mean some women …
Me: Yeah, stop right there. What does it have to do with being female? Maybe the person you saw was just a crappy mechanic.
Puppy Classmate: Well, I just meant, sometimes, women aren’t as good with mechanical stuff.
Me: Oh, yeah, you know, you’re right. The other day? My car ran out of gas, and it was really confusing. They say to put gas in your car, right? But how? Do you open the window and then poke that nozzle thing through the window? Is that how it works? Because I tried that but I just wound up with gas all over my upholstery and my car still wouldn’t run.
Puppy Classmate: …what?
Me: It’s so confusing, you know, for a woman … I also wanted to get your advice about something. So, you know how the car has two seats in front? Where one seat has that sort of round thing in front of it, and the other one doesn’t? Which seat do you sit in when you’re the driver? I tried and tried to figure it out, but then my ovaries started acting up and I couldn’t think. Since you’re not burdened with ovaries, it’s probably a lot clearer to you. Maybe after class you can show me.
Puppy Classmate: You’re messing with me, right?
Me: I don’t know, am I? It’s all just so confusing ….