I had planned to publish the next in my Waterfall series this week, but I got a little off schedule because, upon returning from a 3-day weekend away, I found that my house had been broken into. The bad news is, someone broke into my house and looked through a lot of my stuff. The good news is, they took very little. Based on what I found when I arrived home, I have created this dramatic reenactment of the robbery.

Stupid robber #1: Let’s go rob that house. I bet we can get some cool stuff to sell.

Stupid robber #2: Yeah, let’s go do it.

(Sound of stupid robbers busting into my house.)

(Sound of stupid robbers going from room to room looking for stuff they can turn around for quick sale.)

Stupid robber #1: Dude, you see anything good?

Stupid robber #2: What are all these things on the shelves? They look like they’re made of paper.

Stupid robber #1: I think they’re called books. People buy them and then hollow them out and put money and stuff in them.

Stupid robber #2: Here are some thick ones. I’ll just toss them on the floor to get the money and jewels out. Damn … there’s just a bunch of paper in here, with writing. Where’s the cash money, man?

Stupid robber #1: Never mind. Here’s an iPod. No, wait, it’s pink. It says “Zune” on the front. What’s a Zune?

Stupid robber #2: Zune was a digital media brand owned by Microsoft which included a line of portable media players. In October 2011, Microsoft announced the discontinuation of all Zune hardware, encouraging users to transition to Windows Phone.

Stupid robber #1: Huh. Well, might get a few dollars for it. (Throws Zune in robber bag.)

Stupid robber #2: Heeey, here’s something. Pull that flat screen. off the wall.

Stupid robber #1: (Tugs at wall-mounted TV.) It won’t come off, but let me keep tugging so I can make sure I get prints all over it.

Stupid robber #2: Dude! Stop that! I told you not to leave prints on anything! Go in the bedroom and throw some clothes on the floor instead.

Stupid robber #1: All right. You don’t have to yell at me. Hey, what’s this? Money! All right! Wait, what’s this? Euro? What the f***’s a euro? This money sucks!

Stupid robber #2: Hey, you think they keep money in their shoes? Pull those shoes onto the floor and check. I’m going to look through this sheet music because, you know, people like to keep money in with their sheet music. (Flings music all over floor.) Damn, where the hell do they keep their money?

Stupid robber #1: I dunno, but there’s this thing on the kitchen counter – it says “Passport” on the front. You think it’s worth anything?

Stupid robber #2: Nah, leave it.

Stupid robber #1: How about this check?

Stupid robber #2: Yeah right. What are you going to do with a check?

Stupid robber #1: How about this pink zip-top cat carrier?

Stupid robber #2: Now you’re talking! I saw one of those at the pawn shop – they were asking about $500 for it. Plus it matches the Zune. Grab it and let’s get out of here.

Stupid robber #1: OK. Hey, I found these knives. Let’s keep them so we can use them to rob other people.

Stupid robber #2: You dumb s***. How are you going to carry that big knife? You gonna put it down your pants and cut off your junk?

Stupid robber #1: Oh, OK, I guess I shouldn’t take it (drops knife outside). But how about this little one?

Stupid robber #2: OK, take it. Maybe you’ll need to peel a potato at the next house we rob.

Stupid robber #1: This house sucks!

(Sound of robbers leaving with their loot: a weak-batteried Zune, a paring knife and a pink cat carrier.)

(No cats were harmed in the robbing of this house.)

Posted by lesherjennifer

6 Comments

  1. Eric Linneman March 7, 2012 at 9:56 am

    That sucks. But, at least you didn’t have to face them breaking in while you were home. Sorry to hear this happened. Hopefully, the prints will match.

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  2. Damn! So sorry to hear about this. What a weird “take” though. I hope they catch them.\MA

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  3. Okay, sorry you got robbed, but this is hilarious.

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  4. Jen, you make a difficult time sound funny — awesome!

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  5. I think this incident has all the hallmarks of a major crime syndicate: the Virtually Worthless Pink Stuff Gang.

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  6. There is one suggestion I’d like to offer:

    “A What? What’s a ‘check?'”

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